Giving feedback often feels like tiptoeing through a minefield. For so many
leaders, founders, and high performers, those conversations are loaded with anxiety:
This is one of the most common questions I get in my coaching practice, and here’s the
thing: it’s not just a communication problem. It’s deeper than that, it’s a leadership and
regulation issue.
In this article (and the accompanying YouTube episode), I’m going to walk you through a
practical, repeatable framework for giving feedback that actually builds trust, strengthens
relationships, and genuinely leads to positive change.
If you find yourself struggling with giving or receiving feedback, please know this: you’re
not broken, and you’re definitely not alone.
Most of us never had healthy feedback modeled for us growing up. Especially for Gen Xers
and elder millennials, our early experiences with feedback often involved:
So, it’s completely understandable that now, in a leadership role, your nervous system
might still associate feedback with threat, whether you’re the one giving it or getting it.
But here’s the good news: Feedback is a skill. And just like any other skill, it’s something you can absolutely get better
at.
This framework is designed to help you stay cool, calm, collected, and effective—even when
you’re in those high-stakes conversations.
This is crucial: never, ever give feedback when you’re feeling dysregulated. Before you even
start the conversation, take a moment to:
If you’re activated, that emotional charge will come through in your feedback, no matter
how carefully you choose your words.
Before you dive into any feedback, offer genuine acknowledgment. Here’s a powerful
guideline to keep in mind:
Aim for three acknowledgments for every one piece of feedback.
This isn’t about empty flattery or following a rigid script. It’s about making a real
connection. People are far more receptive to hearing feedback when they genuinely feel:
Remember, deep down, every adult still has that inner child who just wants to feel safe.
This is where many leaders unintentionally cause the most damage. Avoid:
Stick to observable facts only. When feedback turns into a story like “you’re not
committed” or “this role isn’t right for you”, trust erodes incredibly fast, especially if the
data doesn’t back it up.
Facts bring clarity. Stories create defensiveness. This isn’t about demanding submission. It’s about shifting the dynamic from control to cocreation. You’re inviting them to step into their own leadership.
That’s why many leaders I work with actively practice these moments before they happen.
It allows them to show up steady and confident when it truly counts.
If you’re looking for support in training for these kinds of conversations, consider exploring
a Test Drive Consult. It’s a focused session designed to give you clarity and real momentum,
whether or not we continue working together.
Click here to read the full transcript
How do I give feedback without damaging relationships? This was a question that was sent into the podcast and it is a fantastic question. This is one that comes up so often with the clients that I work with. Typically, this has to do with being afraid that the feedback that you’re going to give is going to be received poorly and you will not be liked anymore.
Sometimes it can happen where you’re I have a client that is worried that the feedback they give is going to be given in a manner that is a little bit aggressive and they want to know how to phrase it in a way where it’s going to be received better. But typically when I hear this, it’s a concern that I’m going to give feedback and it’s going to be taken poorly and I’m not going to be liked anymore.
This is always rooted in something deeper. And we won’t go too much into it in this episode, but I want you to be aware that if you’re experiencing this, it’s quite normal. And we’re going to talk about what you can do, a specific step-by-step framework that you can use to give feedback in a regulated, comfortable, cool, calm, collected way that is going to be very beneficial to the person receiving it.
So stick around. [music] Welcome to the show, leader. If you’re new here, my name is Lisa Jeffs and I’ve been coaching top performers and leaders for over 12 years. I’ve been in the relational and therapeutic space for over 20 years, working with a wide range of individuals. and feedback giving and receiving is something that many have challenges with.
One of the reasons why so many individuals have challenges giving and receiving feedback is they were never modeled a healthy way. And if you’ve grown up in times of if you’re a Gen Xer or you’re an elder millennial watching this, you probably have parents that struggled with giving and receiving feedback. So, it’s not out of the norm.
And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you if you are worried about giving feedback, no matter what position you’re in. A lot of times people think that oh the people at the top or people that have achieved a lot they don’t struggle with these things. They they’ve already mastered this area and it simply isn’t true.
This is a skill and it’s a skill that you learn through one regulating yourself and two practicing through a framework and a structure which we’re going to talk about. The first step is always making sure that you are in a regulated state. So if you are at work or you are in your office and you need to give some feedback, go for a walk first or call your coach.
You know, this is something that I do with a lot of my clients is we will get on a call. We will literally before they go into a meeting or before they need to do something and we will go through steps to practice and train for these conversations because it can be very challenging even in a regulated state to do this let alone when you’re not regulated.
Now two is to give acknowledgement. So, don’t just drop feedback on someone. And I want to recommend giving three acknowledgements for every one piece of feedback. That can be a little bit challenging to hear. So, this can look like, I really appreciate the work that you’ve put into this, or I respect how much you care about this. I really value working with you.
Obviously, you can get more specific with this. You know, the person, tailor it to what they’ve actually done, what’s meaningful for them. We don’t just want to give cookie cutter answers, right? The more personal, the more real, the more authentic you can be, the better. This isn’t just about following a script.
It’s about truly connecting with the person. So, you’re going to give three acknowledgements before anything else. And again, a big part of this is training. Big part of this is practice. It may feel weird. It may feel awkward at first when you do this. The more you do it, the more it becomes second nature.
And the more you realize, wow, this is a fantastic way to start every single feedback conversation. remembering that every adult that you’re working with still has a child in there. There is still a child operating. Okay? And children love positive acknowledgement.
Then you want to name the gap without the whole story behind it. So stating the actual facts. So what happened specifically without a whole story narrative meaning that you’re giving to it? This is a story I hear all the time. And this is really disheartening when I hear this because it’s not the real truth of a situation. It’s based in a perception and a story.
I remember working with a client and he was fantastic at what he did. He was the best the best. Unfortunately, he had a situation where his confidence got shaken. So, he was a little bit shaken for a couple of months. Now, was he he messing up left, right, and center? Absolutely not.
So when he got called in for a meeting, instead of them bringing up the actual facts, such as you missed this deadline or there were two errors on this report, they made an entire story about it, that they weren’t committed, that being there was unhealthy for them, and it was a whole lot of hoopla that wasn’t based in the actual facts.
So when you are giving feedback, do your best to keep any story out of it and stick straight to the data. I’m harping on this because I hear it so often and it causes so much distress in organizations when it doesn’t need to. is the simple fact that the data is not being in taken into account and people are lost in the story.
We’re not here to be lost in the story. We’re here to look at the actual facts of what’s happening. Okay, so number one is to acknowledge. People want to be acknowledged. People are much more open to hearing feedback when they are acknowledged and appreciated first. So, we’re going to give three acknowledgements, appreciations for every piece of feedback.
Okay? And then before you even think about giving the feedback, you’re going to get very clear what are the actual facts that I’m bringing into this feedback.
Number three is share why it matters. So instead of just giving feedback of this is just the way it is, I want you to share why it actually matters so the person understands and they can connect it to the deeper meaning.
So, if you’re giving feedback to someone and let’s say that they took longer to respond than was appropriate, don’t just say, you know, you took two days to respond and that’s not appropriate or that’s not okay or, you know, we don’t do that here. Why? Because it’s not actually connecting to any deeper meaning.
And I’ll tell you that I’ll go into a lot of organizations, I’ll be talking to someone and they’ll be very frustrated and they’re telling me, Lisa, you know, I tell them this, I tell them this, and they just they never get it. They just keep doing it. And we have to go in and see, okay, are we actually sharing why it’s important?
You know, you can say something like responsiveness is important because it builds trust with our partners. So, this is a response time that’s needed to be kept.
And number four, we want to invite ownership. We don’t want to create a place of people feeling that they just need to be submissive. We want to create a place where someone is cocreating in the answer to our issue.
So this can look like you asking question what support would help or what is your plan with this moving forward? So then you can have a co-creative conversation and you are inviting the person to show up and lead themselves as opposed to just submitting to your feedback.
Now again this is a practice. It takes training. We train for these things. This isn’t something that you learn in a weekend workshop and just expect to figure it out.
Now, that sometimes can happen and it’s amazing when it does, but a lot of times people need to practice. Think of it like you are training for a new skill.
If you’d like help with this, you can head on over to my website at lisajjess.com. You can book a test drive consult which is the first step if you’re interested in learning more about one-on-one coaching or group programs.
Leader, I love you. I appreciate you. I believe in you. If you’re still here, I know that you’re the real one.
If you’re still listening and you are taking notes on the framework, I know you’re a real one and you’re here to shift humanity with a new level of leadership that only happens when we see leadership and we see business as the business of people, not just profit.
I love you. I appreciate you. And as always, let’s stay connected.
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