Hi, guys. This is Lisa from LisaJeffs.com. Today, I’m going to talk about boundaries. You know those things that so many of us have trouble holding up? I like to think of them as … Every time I hear boundaries, I think of walls. I don’t know if you guys … I actually think of physical walls, but I was always thought I had amazing boundaries, and I wouldn’t say my boundaries are too, too bad, but after some self reflection, I realized I got to work on some of my boundaries, too. For me, it’s more of my energetic boundaries, where I’m putting my energy, how I’m letting my energy be affected by others.
I always had this idea that boundaries had to do with saying, “No.” Say, “No, no, no.” I’m pretty good at saying, “No.” When people come to me with opportunities or requests or whatever is along those lines, I’m pretty good at saying, “No,” when I know it’s not going to serve me and I know it’s just I know when I want to say, “No.” I can say, “No.” It wasn’t always like that, but I think over the years, as I got older and I became really busy, when I first had my daughter … She was two when I first started college. Right after college, I went to university while I was working. I really didn’t have a lot of time raising a little girl and being a full-time university and working. You don’t have a lot of time for anything else, so it was very easy for me to start saying, “No.” I just started getting used to it. I’m like, “Yes, I like saying, ‘No,'” because it’s like a weight lifted off my back. Now I realize that, energetically, I need to hold those boundaries up.
Why is it so hard for us to have these boundaries? I think it’s common for us to have good boundaries with some people and not so good boundaries with other people, say loved ones, partners, parents, moms, stuff like that. It’s hard to sometimes hold those boundaries while other boundaries, it’s much easier, say, people that you don’t really know, people that you’re not affiliated with. Sometimes it’s just hard to say, “No,” to everybody and hold those boundaries with everyone. Why is it that we have these issues holding these boundaries and upholding these boundaries? For me, I know it’s common for me … When I used to have a lot of trouble saying, “No,” it was because I felt almost like it was opportunities when they would come along. I would feel so grateful for being asked, and then I would think that saying, “No,” was, “Oh, they’re never going to ask me ever again” or “They’re never going to … They’re going to think that I don’t appreciate that they asked me,” all this junk.
All those thoughts are our thoughts. It’s not actually reality. Who knows what the other person is going to be perceiving? To tell you the truth, when you have strong boundaries, people respect that and people know that those boundaries are for them, and they don’t take offense to it. It’s only us that those thoughts and that perception that we have, that we think, “Oh, my God, this person is going to be so offended.” You know what? If they’re offended, that’s their own stuff. It has nothing to do with us.
I lost my train of thought. I wanted to talk about something. I just mentioned it. Being affected, being offended. Sorry, no, that’s not what I was talking about.
Boundaries are not selfish. I think some of us have this idea that boundaries … We’re going to be looked upon like we’re selfish and we just care about ourselves and we don’t care about the other person. They’re not selfish. Boundaries are a form of self love. I want to repeat that because if you have issues with boundaries, you need to really have this sink in. Boundaries are not selfish. Boundaries are a form of self love. You saying, “No,” to that opportunity that someone’s brought to you or you saying, “No,” to a family member who’s trying to ask you for money or ask you for whatever, you saying, “No,” has nothing to do with you only thinking about yourself. It really has to do with self love, and only you can know your reasons for saying, “No,” or holding those boundaries. They’re all individual.
Boundaries aren’t just about saying, “No.” That’s just, for me, when I associate boundaries, a lot of times I think about saying, “No,” because that’s where one of my weaknesses were many years ago. It was in saying, “No.” Boundaries come in many shapes and forms. You can even have boundaries with yourself, boundaries how you spend your time, where you’re putting your energy. Boundaries, for me, one of my biggest things is having my morning magic time. It’s very important for me to have that time to ground myself, to get into state, to do my gratitude journaling, and have that time so I know I can have an amazing, productive day.
Part of my boundaries is not going on social media, not checking my phone, not interacting really with people until I’ve gotten into my state, until I’ve had my ritual, my morning ritual done. Me, crossing my own boundaries, would be not listening to what I know that I need and picking up my phone first thing in the morning, checking my email or checking my text messages, getting a message that is not something I want to see or it’s something that I have to deal with that’s going to be a little bit stressful, and ignoring my morning ritual and responding to that, those needs, that needs. I am crossing my own boundaries, and I know and I still do this sometimes. It throws me off. That’s me not respecting my own boundaries. Ask yourself, what are the boundaries in your life that you’re not respecting right now?
Boundaries are … It’s something that you need to work on I think consistently and really self reflect in all areas of your life, where you’re not upholding these boundaries, specifically for business. This can lead to a lot of overwhelm. Just if you even take note of what I just said, so me checking me phone first thing in the morning, not upholding my boundaries. How does that affect my business? If I get a text message or an email first thing in the morning and I’m not in state, so I haven’t taken time to get into my powerful … I’ll go into morning rituals in another video, but this is specifically for boundaries. That can throw me off the entire morning. I’m all thrown off. I am not being productive. My mind and my thoughts and my energy are going towards whatever I saw in that email. I’m not sticking to what I have to do. If your energy’s not in it, people, your clients, everyone feels it. That’s how it can affect … That’s how it affects my work.
Also, overwhelm, not being able to say, “No,” to opportunities. Maybe you have a specific goal that you’re going for, and you get this amazing opportunity, and you’re like, “Oh, I feel so thankful that this person asked me to do this. I feel like I have to do it. I don’t really want to say, ‘No,’ but really, it’s going to be a lot of work, and then I’m not going to be able to concentrate on my goal,” and then you try to do everything and you’re doing everything on top of everything and you just end up burned out, overwhelmed, and being burned out and overwhelmed is not going to help you create a successful business.
It’s really important to look at your boundaries, look how your holding them, what can you do to improve those boundaries, and remembering that boundaries are not selfish. They are a form of self love. You are worthy of your boundaries. What happens is our boundaries … When someone’s crossing those lines, it’s not them. It’s not them that are at fault. It’s us that are not withholding our boundaries. We’re the only ones to blame when boundaries are being crossed. A lot of times you’ll see what happens is if a person has these boundaries that are very wishy washy and they’re not upholding their boundaries, people will take advantage of that.
I know you know that I know that. I see it all the time. It’s not even so much that the people taking advantage are bad people. They’re not evil, devious people. “Ew, let me see what boundaries I can take advantage of.” It’s just you’re teaching people how to treat you. It’s very easy for people to just, “Oh, well, let me ask Sally. I know Sally’s going to do it. She’ll do it for sure. She never says, ‘No.'” Then Sally does that, and then Sally just becomes resentful and she just feels resentful towards the people, towards herself, but really, it’s Sally’s job to uphold those boundaries. She needs to be strong. Just like you need to uphold your boundaries, I need to uphold my boundaries, too. I’m not pointing fingers. I got work to do myself.
That’s it. Shoot me a PM if you know boundaries are an issue for you. Let’s continue the conversation. Leave a comment. If you know somebody needs to hear this message, please share it with them. I know this is across the board. Across the board, we need to work on boundaries. I would say majority of people, to some extent, in some area, have issues with their boundaries. Never feel like you’re the only one. There’s a majority of the world. That’s it. I’ll talk to you soon. Ciao.
Thanks for the comment Alex! Let me know how it goes. I’ve been taking my own advice this week and I have to say I’m quite enjoying standing firm with my energetic boundaries 😉
Lots of love,
Thank you Lisa, that sounds exactly like me :). I’ll do my best to implement everything you suggested.