Lisa Jeffs: You were not born to be nice. You were born to lead. Niceness is fear dressed up in lipstick.
Today we’re talking about stopping the pattern of being “nice.” I want you to see how the desire to be liked is hindering your growth—and how it keeps people from being led by you.
I know this can be challenging, especially if your past taught you that being nice helped you get what you needed. But there comes a point where we must shift from niceness to kindness—and that begins with kindness toward ourselves.
Niceness often comes with a lack of boundaries. We say yes to things we don’t want to do, don’t have time for, or that aren’t actually beneficial. Let me remind you: if it isn’t beneficial for you, it’s not truly beneficial for the other person either.
When we keep saying yes against our truth, resentment builds. Resentment is like a parasite in relationships.
Let’s define the words:
- Nice: pleasant, agreeable, polite, socially acceptable or pleasing in manner.
- Kind: having or showing a friendly, generous, considerate nature; benevolence and compassion.
Kindness is about inner character and values—who you choose to be moment to moment. Niceness often seeks something in return, even if it’s just acknowledgment. Kindness comes from a deep, intrinsic place. Niceness easily becomes a performance.
When you go against what you truly want—agreeing just to avoid conflict—resentment builds. That energy will hinder your business and career.
It’s okay if you’ve been in niceness for a long time. Many people have for decades. As a teenager, I had a pattern of saying yes because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. Part of me feared that if I said no, the person would leave. I agreed to things I didn’t want—and then avoided people to escape the commitment. It wasn’t healthy, and it wasn’t who I wanted to be.
Shifting out of that pattern meant asking: How do I want to show up as a human being? I realized I wasn’t expressing what I needed. I was “the nice one,” going along with whatever—building resentment.
At work, being the yes-person ignores your boundaries and leads to burnout. If you’re afraid to rock the boat, you hold back your essence. The world needs what you have to give. When you’re addicted to niceness, you dim your light. You can’t lead if you’re afraid to disappoint or be criticized. Leaders are meant to rock the boat—that’s how change happens.
Redefine what “nice” means for you. If you keep doing it, a part of you is benefiting. For me, niceness fed an inner-child need to belong. But it wasn’t real belonging. The moment I asked for what I needed, many people left. They had been benefiting from my niceness—my agreeableness.
If you’re ready to end the pattern, say yes to yourself. Niceness stalls careers and caps income. When I stopped being nice and chose kindness, I received much more respect. People saw me as a leader.
Great leaders are kind and generous—but you can’t be generous from empty. Over-agreeing and over-giving leave you tired, resentful, and burnt out. It’s not sustainable.
When we change the narrative to kindness, our energy comes back. And before we can truly be kind to others, we must be kind to ourselves. If you’re busy being nice to everyone in your contacts, you don’t have the bandwidth to be kind to you.
Pour energy back into yourself until you have overflow. From overflow, everything changes: you have the capacity to be kind, generous, and to lead. We cannot give from a cup that dried out years ago.
This is why things feel capped and exhausting. You may avoid calls or invitations because you fear you’ll be asked for something—and you’ll say yes. It’s time to turn the energy back on yourself.
When you do, some people will say, “You’ve changed.” Your answer: That’s the point. We’re here to change, expand, learn, grow, and feed ourselves so we can feed others. You’re not here to deplete yourself or give everything away for free. If people are offended that you’re caring for yourself or charging for your services, they’re not your people.
You’re here to impact those meant to be guided by your leadership. As you set boundaries and honor yourself, some won’t like it because they benefited from your niceness. That’s okay—it’s part of the journey.
You’re shifting from “I’m the nice one” to “I’m the leader.” This may be a season of saying no and setting boundaries so you can give from overflow.
Let me know if this resonates. Send me a message on Instagram and tell me what boundary you’re putting in place and the first step you’re taking to be kind to yourself.
If you want to go deeper, visit my website or the video description and book a Power Play Call. If you’re interested in joining the Magnetic Leadership Accelerator—where we do deep work on boundaries, self-honoring, and leading from overflow—applications are open. Head to the description and apply.
Leader, I love you and appreciate you. Thank you for watching and listening. If you’re on YouTube, please subscribe. Let’s stay connected.
