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Speaker 1:
Imagine feeling so guilty for saying no and potentially disappointing someone, even though you’ve already done so much. You’ve been so busy, working so hard, yet you still feel the guilt. We’re going to be diving into this pattern on today’s show. This is such a common pattern for women and men who give a lot, who are leaders, caregivers the guilt of saying no. Stick around, it’s going to be a good one.
Speaker 2:
You’re tuning into the Confident, Connected Leader podcast, your premier destination for breaking through your current professional barriers. Your coach and host, Lisa Jeffs, will help you transcend limitations and achieve new levels of professional success beyond self-doubt, sabotage and burnout. Welcome to the show.
Speaker 1:
Welcome to the show, my leaders. If you haven’t noticed already, we have changed the color and done a little bit of a brand refresh on the podcast. So we’ve gone from the purple color, which you know what I still really like, but we’re going with red now as a as we focus more on awakened confidence, which is my confidence framework. There will be a book coming out soon. We’re going with the color red. So, and before I forget, if you haven’t seen, the newest journal that we have released, self Love Journal for the Woman who Gives a Lot is now available on your local Amazon. I will include the link for in the show notes. But, please, if you’re a journaler and you are a woman who gives a lot and wants to open up to receiving, being able to receive more opportunities, more love, money, all the good stuff that this world has to offer, this is the journal for you. And a little caveat, men if you’re hearing this, you can also get the journal. It will be applicable.
Speaker 1:
Okay, speaking of the journal, we are diving into a similar topic. How do we get rid of the guilt that we feel as leaders, as women and men who give a lot, when it’s time to say no? So we’re going to be talking more about this topic. Oh, other caveat before we get into it If you have a question, you can now go on to the podcast page, the specific website page. You can find this link in my Instagram bio. You can now text a question and that question, if it’s chosen, will be answered on the podcast, and that question, if it’s chosen, will be answered on the podcast. Okay, so this is a really cool feature. If you have a burning question, drop it in, send a text and, if it’s chosen, we’ll answer it on the podcast. So back to the guilty feeling so this may surprise you a little bit of why we feel guilty.
Speaker 1:
Now, this isn’t from a lack of boundaries, right, a lack of boundaries is part of the challenge, it’s part of the issue, but it’s not the core of what’s happening, right, the core, when we really look at an inability to say no, we gotta go back in time. We have to look at the patterns that you were experiencing, or whoever that you know has this challenge in childhood. What were you experiencing that you know has this challenge in childhood? What were you experiencing? That you now feel that you can’t say no or you feel guilty about it.
Speaker 1:
So a common pattern that people get into especially for high achievers, leaders, people who get their validation by things that they do is, if you were a child, who would get validated from achieving you know, getting good grades or being a sports star and you know getting all the things which you know. This is a common experience. Many children get that. Children get validation. They get praise for doing good, for winning the gold medal, for winning the gold star, for winning the gold medal, for winning the gold star. If it’s a pattern and you don’t get praise from your parents, or you didn’t get praise from your parents or you didn’t get praise from your caregivers when you didn’t do well, so there was no kind of I’m proud of you for showing up and getting out there and trying. There’s none of that Then you may still have a.
Speaker 1:
You may want to be validated by work that you’re doing, going the extra mile, winning the deal, type of experience, and this can be very sticky to get out of. The root of this is wanting to be loved Right when we can really peel back the layers. I say this all the time that when we peel back the layers of our challenges and our problems, we can typically find two core roots the need to feel love and the need to feel safe. Find two core roots the need to feel love and the need to feel safe. So, if you are feeling guilty for saying no when someone is asking you for something, I want you to ask yourself does this have to do with me feeling like I’m letting them down and if I let them down? Letting them down and if I let them down, do I feel that this is going to damage the relationship? Even if consciously, you’re like that doesn’t make sense. I want you to move your attention from your headspace and almost see the energy. If you can see yourself in your mind’s eye, if you’re a visual person just floating down, floating down into your heart space and ask your. Do I feel that if I say no and let this person down, that this relationship is going to be damaged? Now we also want to challenge the belief that we’re letting them down if we say no, because that’s not always the case.
Speaker 1:
A healthy individual who understands that you have a life and you need to prioritize your well-being and you have other things going on in your life, will understand when you need to say no as long as you are expressing to them in a healthy fashion and not like what I used to do about 20, 25 years ago when I was a youth. I just told this story. I’m not going to tell it again because I just told it. It’s going to be launched in a YouTube video soon, but I had such a hard time saying no that I would just avoid. I would tell a person yes and then I would just avoid them, I wouldn’t go, I wouldn’t go out, I wouldn’t do it, and it was such a poor way of handling it even though if I knew how to do better at that time, I would have. So I’m sending myself lots of love and compassion, but it created so much more stress and anxiety and typically these patterns do right. They create so much more to deal with. So much more to deal with. So much the headaches galore when we can’t say no and we either end up doing something we don’t want to do, feeling resentful for it, or we exhaust ourselves.
Speaker 1:
So what’s another reason why many individuals leaders, entrepreneurs, business owners have challenges saying no? There’s also the fact of are you terrified? You’re going to miss out? Is there something you think you will like? I used to and I didn’t really realize it until I started to dig in a little bit deeper and ask myself.
Speaker 1:
Actually, it was someone that I, one of my mentors said suddenly, and she said you know, lisa, you don’t have to go to this thing if you’re feeling pressured. And I thought for a minute, I’m like pressured. I’m not really one to be pressured. You know, I am one where manipulation does not work Never has, even when I was young, I can see right through forms of manipulation. It just doesn’t work at all. So I, you know, I thought to myself well, I’m not pressured, nobody’s pressuring me. But I didn’t realize I was pressuring myself. It was me that was making the pressure, because I was scared I was going to miss out on an opportunity. I had a mindset like this was the thing, and if I missed this thing, if it was an event I didn’t really want to go to. But I felt pressured because there was people there that you know had lots of connections and maybe I would make some really good connections and maybe this was a thing that would, you know, blow up my business and all these things. And I realized that I was doing that to myself.
Speaker 1:
And when you feel pressured to go anywhere that is not in alignment for you. It may be, the event still may be something that could be in alignment, but going in that energy is not in alignment. You want to address the pressure. You want to shift out of that energy. So it could be. Do you have a fear of missing out? It could be. Do you have a fear of missing out, do you have a fear of if you’re in a environment, a work environment, a corporate environment and someone asks you to do something? Do you have a fear that if you say no, you’re going to miss out on opportunities? You’re going to miss out on something? You really want to address this.
Speaker 1:
When we are the person who can’t say no, we actually start to devalue ourselves. We appear less valuable in other people’s eyes. Always readily available and always there to say yes, we lose perceived value. Now, that’s not to say you always want to say no, because then you may lose a position as well, because then people will stop asking you or stop counting on you. They’ll kind of count you out. If you’re not, you know part of you’re not engaging at all. But a good rule of thumb is don’t say yes unless you have the space and the bandwidth and are genuinely doing it because there’s a part of you that wants to do it, whether you want to help that person, or you want to do it because you think it’s going to be something that adds some dynamic to your work experience. But if you feel pressured or you feel like you’re going to miss out, not a good direction to take Now.
Speaker 1:
The next one is are you worried about being perceived as unhelpful? Now there are many people again who have been praised and who have identified with the person. That is very helpful. This really leans into them for help. They have a lot of good ideas, they can guide people, they’re very skilled at whatever they’re doing. They have a lot of qualities of qualities and they can be someone that has, through the years, gained validation through being that type of a person. And if they start saying no, there can be a worry that they will no longer be perceived as helpful. And why does this matter? If you’re someone who still has some healing to do, that isn’t fully accepting of themselves. It is because they’re scared that love may be taken away. They don’t want to be seen as unhelpful If unhelpful is the way they perceive that they receive love, and that’s what happened when they were younger. There can be a very large challenge with saying no and not being seen as helpful anymore because it’s wrapped up in their identity. This is not a healthy identity to have, up in their identity. This is not a healthy identity to have. You can absolutely have the identity as someone that is helpful but also has firm boundaries.
Speaker 1:
So this was something that I experienced many, many times, especially when I was in my younger years. So I’m thinking in my early, my late teens, early twenties, type of even in my twenties, you know, I would have many people call, call me on the phone and it was kind of like I was their counselor, right, they would call and they would talk and they would have challenges, and I was great at supporting these. People call and they would talk and they would have challenges and I was great at supporting these people. I mean, this is one of my natural gifts, being a coach, being a counselor, which was my prior career but there wasn’t a giving and receiving. It was a lot of guiding and counseling and as soon as the person would get what they needed, they would get off the phone. And this wasn’t. You know, I wasn’t a victim of this. I was in a dynamic where I was not honoring my boundaries and I was not stating what I needed. Part of me was gaining validation from being the one that could help.
Speaker 1:
Now there was a point where that shifted, because it got to the point where I was exhausted. I was on these calls. It was just exhausting. I still don’t, to be honest, enjoy chatting for very long on the phone. Unless we are talking about something, a topic which is really stimulates me, then I enjoy it. But the conversations I used to have where it was more of an individual or a friend just kind of looping around in the same story, they didn’t really want help. Is what I’m saying. So when someone wants help and they are receiving great conversation, if someone’s more of an eventing experience and you are someone who can’t say no or set boundaries, it can go over the limit and this is when you can be exhausted, and I’ve talked to many people in this situation. Many clients have come to me and said that they start resenting and it really isn’t the other person’s fault.
Speaker 1:
Now. Obviously they’re responsible for their own selves, but as people who may have challenges setting boundaries, we have to honor ourselves and respect that. It’s up to us to set the boundaries for us. Nobody can do that for us, right? So that’s a big one. That is one where it’s really about shifting your identity, that you can still be someone that is very helpful, that cares deeply about your friends, your loved ones. You want to be there for them, but you are making sure to fill your cup first. Your cup needs to be filled, potentially overflowing, before you can give out. And last one, that it’s still rooted in.
Speaker 1:
The same validation is if you’re on a team or you have your team and you’re worried that if you say no or if you don’t show up for something or set some boundaries, that you’re going to hinder their progress for the whole team. The whole team will suffer, and this is really about challenging that belief. Is that true? Are people going to suffer because you said no? Is the progress going to be affected if you say no and set boundaries for your own well-being? I do not. I don’t. I don’t believe that. That’s not a belief.
Speaker 1:
I hold that if you are honoring your well-being, if you are stating what you need to taking care of yourself first, I do not believe that will ever negatively affect something else, because you are doing that in the frequency and the energy of care and love for you. And I know it can be very challenging if you’re not used to it, especially if you have trauma around letting people down around you know, whatever your story is, if you have a visceral reaction to some of these things, I highly suggest getting support around it, whether that’s through coaching, whether that’s through certain trauma work potentially, because when we don’t honor our boundaries and we can’t say no, this can lead to a lot of issues, not only in work but in our health and our well-being. And I promise you, when you start to honor your boundaries and you start to teach people how to treat you, everything shifts and changes and you realize, oh, I can still have amazing relationships work, family, romantic while honoring myself. And, in fact, when I honor myself and I learned to say no and I learned that true love does not come from me, having to show up in a certain way and, you know, give all of myself to everyone while denying myself. Well, when I can challenge that and really see the truth of the situation and honor my well-being and fill my cup so it’s overflowing, I teach everyone else to do the same and imagine how much the world is going to shift and change when everyone is filling their own cup and they’re so filled and overflowing that they just want to overflow on everyone else. That sounds a little weird, but you know what I mean. You know what I mean, so I’m going to wrap it up. If you have a question you want me to ask it specifically, please head on over, send me a text message. Who’s going to be the first one? I just set that up right before I came on here. It just showed up as an option. So if you’re listening to this soon after this is published, you may be the first one, and that will guarantee, as long as it’s a question I can answer and an appropriate question, that your question will be answered. So don’t wait, send me a question. If you liked the journal, head on over to Amazon.
Speaker 1:
Lisa Jeff’s self-love journal for the woman who gives a lot, or you can check the link in my Instagram or on the show notes. Great gift for Mother’s Day, even if you’re buying it for yourself, even if you’re not a mother, but it is truly a wonderful gift if you have a woman in your life who gives a lot, whether that’s your wife or it’s your mom, it’s your grandma, it’s your daughter. I made the journal specifically so it’s easy and fun to navigate through. Lots of colors, lots of designs, great, great, powerful prompts and some other extras and bonuses in there. As always, I appreciate you If you’re still on here. I honor you, I honor your time. I hope this was valuable.
Speaker 1:
If you would like to talk to me about private coaching, I also have a beta program, which is going to be a very special opportunity for the people that get in. For if you are a leader, entrepreneur, creative, who is ready to fully embrace your potential and explode the level of confidence that you feel, so you can show up in your business in a whole new way, whether that is how you’re showing up online opportunities you’re going for through your sales calls, charging more through your sales calls, charging more anything that is tied to you, fully showing up as your most confident, self-assured self, fully in her purpose, in her full expression. This is for you. It is going to be a beta opportunity, which means it will have special pricing. More than even the special pricing, it’s going to have extra care and attention.
Speaker 1:
So, if you’ve never done a beta program before, I love when my favorite coaches do a beta program, because I know how much care and attention we get, because you really are helping to build the program with the coach, so I truly enjoy them. So if you are interested in that, you can send me an email at info at Lisa Jeffscom. I’ll put you on the wait list or please book a breakthrough call and then I can tell you right away if it’s a fit or not and we can get you set up for that. That’s all for now. Folks, I love you as always. Let’s stay connected.
Speaker 2:
Thank you for tuning into the Confident, connected Leader podcast. Lisa Jeffs is committed to helping you break through barriers and climb to new professional heights. If today’s episode inspired you, we’d be honored if you could subscribe, rate and leave a review To stay updated with practical tips and insights us on linkedin, instagram or facebook. You’ll find all relevant links, including those for our complimentary gifts and trainings, in the show notes. Until our next episode, embrace your confidence and stay connected.
